I finally gave birth to our second child, a girl, named Riley last Wednesday via C-Section. She was out a week earlier than expected but I am glad that everything went well. We arrived at the hospital in the wee hours and she was out by afternoon. It was by far the most traumatic operation I’ve experienced in my entire existence.
It took two hours for 2 anesthesiologist, 1 resident doctor and 1 pediatrician to locate the right vein for the I.V. and yes while they are pricking me with the needle, I am wide awake. Read my lips TWO. HOURS. But all that was gone when I heard Riley’s cry and they made me kiss her forehead. Finally the struggle is over, or so I thought.
After four days in the hospital, my OB-GYN gave us a discharge order, I was the happiest, and I don’t feel like I am recovering there at all. And aside from bringing Riley home, PPD also went with me–us.
I also gave birth to my eldest–Franz–via C-Section and I am pretty much familiar with the process but I cannot and will not get used to the pain and the PPD that comes along with it.
This is not something I really want to talk about but I am trying to channel out, self-medicate, and soothe myself in any possible way. Why? Simply because not all people (woman or men) can relate. And if you are so unlucky, you’ll get criticized for having it, you’ll hear words like “It’s all in the head..” “You can really avoid it, mind over matter..” “I never had that..” just to name a few.
PPD can last up to six weeks right after giving birth, I am on my second week, and I am in my loneliest. Though sometimes there’s no tears coming out of my eyes, my heart feels like it’s shattering from a million tiny pieces and I don’t know where is this coming from. What’s the root cause, why I am such a debbie downer.
I feel like I am sitting on a cliff where the wind is strong enough to push me to the edge, strong enough to make me fall and that the only thing that’s keeping me together are my kids. I pray for this to end as soon as possible.
Apart from everything that I’ve mentioned above, I am on a new journey of motherhood–breastfeeding. Exclusive breastfeeding to be exact. No bottle, no dummy, binky, pacifier whatever you call it, just me and my *insert your prefer word here*.
I researched and studied for almost 9 months regarding breastfeeding, the pro’s and con’s, the to do from what to avoid even joined a group in facebook so that I can have a support system.
But I feel like all of it went down the drain when I am doing it already. No “medical” or thorough research told me the hardship it can cause. How it can make you insane when your baby comfort feed for hours, how it drains your energy and makes you feel that it’s still not enough.
I haven’t had a decent sleep for a week (and counting) and I already considered giving up. Go back to formula feeding and make everything less complicated, but whenever I carry Riley and look at her while she feeds, I snap back to reality that I am a mother, whether I am in this alone or not I must not give up for my child’s sake.
C-section, postpartum, growth spurts, being a pacifier, lack of sleep and breastfeeding, these are the things I am with right now and the struggle is real. I guess there’s no medicine for this; I just have to face it one day at a time and praying that I’ll surpass all of this alone or with someone.